Chronic(what!)cles of Narnia and Jizz in my pants

Posted: December 17th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | No Comments »

i wish i could turn up the chronic here in the office.

i think they’ve posted this on alternet because you can see how one person can really make a big impact, even in a silly way. and how all that profit comes from talented people and not the machine.

or maybe andy just has friends at alternet.


Masturbation World Record Shattered

Posted: December 9th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | No Comments »

I could totally beat this guy.

brief narrative VICTORY FOR OBAMA!

Posted: November 5th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | 1 Comment »

Is it just me, or do you all have the feeling that we have finally taken our country back?

so I wanted to make it clear to all of you the joy that has seeped into what seemed at first like such a dry weather day. I got up parched, but before I thought of water I ran to the television set to see who had won the election. "Senator Barack Obama president elect" it read on the screen. yes! I was so excited! I woke up my family, I went to work, I read the news and saw that Florida passed the ban on gay marriage. :(

But there were victory donuts on the table so I ate away my sorrow. Then we played a joke on a coworker named Cynthia McKinney, who has a doppleganger in name only that ran for president. We signed a card and gave her a cake that said "McKinney 2012" in red icing. It was hilarious. I don’t think she thought it was as funny as us pranksters. whatever. it was still awesome.

Signs that the Apocalypse is Nigh! Palin 2012

Posted: October 30th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | No Comments »

sorry, this headline really freaked me out last night

Palin hints she’s in politics for good, eyeing 2012

Palin hints she’s in politics for good, eyeing 2012 AFP/Getty Images – Sarah Palin, the Republican vice-presidential nominee, speaks at a campaign rally in Toledo, Ohio. Palin …

WASHINGTON (AFP) – Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin hinted in an interview with ABC News to be broadcast Thursday that she will remain a key player in US politics regardless of who gets elected president next week, and may even run in the 2012 election.

A transcript of the interview was made public late Wednesday.

"I’m not doing this for naught," Palin said, when asked if all the mudslinging in the current campaign made her long for a return to the politics of Alaska, where she is governor.

"I think that, if I were to give up and wave a white flag of surrender against some of the political shots that we’ve taken, that would bring this whole" endeavor to nothing, she said.

Palin’s comments followed reports that she was breaking free of campaign restrictions and doing more self-promotion, as she sees her White House chances dwindle along with those of her running mate John McCain.

Nevertheless the 44-year-old mother of five told ABC News she was confident the McCain-Palin ticket would defeat Democrats Barack Obama and Joseph Biden in the November 4 vote.

I’m "thinking that it’s going to go our way on Tuesday," Palin said. "I truly believe that the wisdom of the people will be revealed on that day."

Regarding charges by her and the campaign that Obama was unpatriotic, especially in view of his contacts with 1960s radical Bill Ayers, Palin did some backtracking.

"(I’m) not calling him un-American," Palin said.

"There is nothing wrong, though, with calling someone out on their record, their associations and the association issue here. It’s not mean spirited. It’s not negative campaigning. It’s important and fair to the electorate," she said.

It’s the gays! hehehe

Posted: October 27th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | 2 Comments »

wondering why everything about your life is going down the toilet bowl? it’s the gaaaays

it’s the video thats funny, but paired with this retarded statement by the founder of the retarded statement association, it’s even better. gay_marriage_cartoon.gif

Undecided? Really? Who the Hell are You? LOL

Posted: October 23rd, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | 1 Comment »

ooo my god funniest political article i’ve read this election season. link at bottom so you can read more of him, such as: Sodomy and Gratitude: nine perfect ways to prepare for the end of bush.

[It’s a bit like choosing between a glass of wine and a beer bong full of turpentine and carpet tacks. Sure you can ingest them both, but come on.]

Undecided? Really?
Who the hell are you? Are you evil? Are you Jesus?

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I’m told it is sometimes helpful to project outside yourself, to mess with your own ideological boundaries, to attempt, however exasperatingly and however much it makes you want to hose yourself down with the cool fire of intellectual clarity afterwards, to enter the minds of your enemies, or those with whom you merely disagree, or — perhaps most challenging of all — with those whose mental gyrations you simply cannot fathom in the slightest.

Behold, the Undecideds. Have you heard of this bizarre, nefarious group? The millions of faceless, slow-blinking, mentally unattached Americans who are, right this minute, with mere days to go before the most historic election in our lifetime and when faced with what seems to be the most glaringly obvious divisions of attitude and perspective you could possibly imagine, still "on the fence" about Obama or McCain, love or hate, country or disco, Paris or Fresno, oil or water, Porsche or Pinto?

Do you know anyone from this group? Those who have the uncanny ability to stare straight at the biggest issues and most momentous decisions of their very lives, and shrug?

Odds are very good you do. Because they are, apparently, legion. And pivotal. And they are, it must be said, one of the most baffling groups in world history. Impenetrable. Unnerving. As such, it is perhaps a worthy experiment to try to enter the Undecided mind, to examine what might be going on — or, as the case may be, not going on.

What we risk: instant madness, increased frustration, screaming. What we stand to gain: perspective, empathy, more screaming. Shall we?

Firstly, some quick assumptions. I hereby assume the Undecideds are not the Classic American Zombie. They are not the socially and politically ignorant, the millions of culturally apathetic, uneducated Americans you often read about who live way off the intellectual grid, who don’t read, don’t vote, don’t eat with utensils, don’t care, don’t know how to care and have never really evolved their own intellectual curiosity much beyond the walk-upright-and-don’t-drool stage. In other words, the Undecideds still pay attention. Sort of.

This, perhaps, is the first major snag: From what I can glean, it seems the Undecideds pay just enough attention. They care a little, maybe just enough to vote, to take part in a political tracking polls and interviews, to latch onto irrelevant effluvia, to nod with brow-furrowed interest when their more attuned friends speak passionately about a given issue. But that’s about as far as it goes.

For an Undecided, then, everything is received wisdom. Everything is a mishmash of external sources, a haphazard blur of everyone else’s ideas, headlines, tidbits of disconnected thought and rumor, and the thing they believe most is merely the last thing they heard that "sounded about right."

Upshot: no original thought. No sifting and sorting and careful deliberation, resulting in a calm statement of self-determined purpose. There is only, perhaps, fear of taking a stand, of having an opinion, of believing in something, anything, lest you be proven ignorant or pitiable or Britney Spears. Psychology experts, start your engines.

If this definition holds true, if there’s such a large and powerful group that, given its lethargic inability to make distinctions, requires all sorts of trickery and flash to hold their fleeting attention, well, it makes the Undecideds a rather hugely dangerous lot indeed. And sort of pathetic. And really lousy in bed.

Or maybe not. Maybe I have it exactly backwards. Maybe the Undecideds are the most evolved among us, more aware and conscious than the rest of us desperate plebes who are far too eager to plant our flags in the treacherous soil of definitive thought. Possible?

Could it be that the Undecideds have developed an enlightened, Zen-like meta-perspective, wherein they see all social melodramas and political extremes as essentially the same, all part of the Grand Cosmic Circus? And therefore deciding something as piffling as Obama versus McCain — that is, whether to kick human experiment forward with intelligence and thoughtfulness, or lock it into conservative Tupperware and shove it in the back freezer for another 30 years — is pointless and unnecessary, merely part of the same cosmic joke?

Hell, I’ve oft championed the necessity of keeping your mind juicy and spirit fluxive, of never letting dogma bog you down and clog your karmic drain. Have the Undecideds mastered this rare skill? Let me just hedge a tentative answer right here: not a chance. After all, there’s a profound difference between lucid energetic fluidity and, well, mealy mental dithering.

One more possibility: The Undecideds might be largely made up of the politically disenchanted, the remnants of the ideological fringe, libertarians and the Independents and the Ron Paul/Nader fanatics who, since their dreamy marginal candidate has been relegated back to footnote status, are trained to merely see the other options as equally worthless, cogs in the same corporate machine.

I’m not buying it. For one thing, most of those activists have a clearly demonstrated — if a bit wonky — ability to choose. And let’s just say it outright: Even if you can’t tell much difference between Obama’s and McCain’s tax policies or approaches to Pakistan or whatnot, the difference in intuitive energies, in sheer vibrational attitude, between the calm, deeply intelligent Harvard-trained senator and the curmudgeonly war hawk with a nasty temper are so profound as to keep entire nations awake at night. It’s a bit like choosing between a glass of wine and a beer bong full of turpentine and carpet tacks. Sure you can ingest them both, but come on.

Do not misunderestimate. I do not mean to suggest that it’s mandatory that everyone take some sort of extreme black/white position every time. It is not about grabbing a mulish, uninformed stance and never budging. Moderate, reflective positioning is fine. But that’s still a position. Undecideds aren’t moderates. They do not seem to be clear on what they value, exactly. They’re just … I’m not sure what. Confused? Simple? Overmedicated?

The days are dwindling. The choice is nigh. And the strange news is, somewhere between 10 to 15 percent of the voting nation is still undecided, still unsure, still apparently waiting, after countless debates and speeches, thousands of articles and profiles and policy wonkings, biographies, autobiographies, detailed lists of everything from the type of foods the candidates like to sports teams they root for to the kind of car they drive, for some impossible fog to clear.

The good news is, this election probably won’t hinge quite so dramatically on the Undecideds’ final decision, whatever the hell it might be. The bad news is, these infuriating creatures of tepid doom show no signs of going extinct anytime soon.

His other articles:

* Undecided? Really? Who the hell are you? Are you evil? Are you Jesus? 10.22.08
* Sodomy and gratitude Nine perfect ways to prepare for the End of Bush. Can… 10.17.08
* More booze and cake! Cruel recession got you down? Buck up, pal. Good news… 10.15.08
* Licking the Zeitgeist Go ahead, let the Obamafied optimism wash over you… 10.10.08 undecided2.jpg

Night of the Living Bush Supporters

Posted: October 22nd, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | No Comments »

"If I wanted to hear that bullshit, I’d move to Dallas!!"

Oppression Fail & Wall St. Gang Signs

Posted: October 15th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | 1 Comment »

tehe political_pictures_wall_street_traders_gang_signs.jpg (20.24 K) oppression_fail.jpg

Dear Red States…

Posted: October 13th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | 2 Comments »

let them smoke dirt weed!

Subject: Dear Red States

Dear Red States…
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel, Apple and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’scaskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace out, Blue States

bail out

Posted: October 3rd, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | No Comments »

fucking cum sucking lunatics masters of our demise.
it already law.
over seas cooperations in china and shit, they will get the money. there is NO trickle down or up, just OUT.
we have to stop these people from destroying our country.